Ladies, I knew there was a divine reason my best friend had to move all the way to Hollywood; now I know what that reason is: it is to learn all the beauty secrets of the vain and share them with me in my moment of dire need.
All the anger that has been building up inside of me has finally found an outlet: twice in the past two weeks, I have woken up looking like someone has punched me in the face. Is this lack of sleep? No. I can't explain it. It's like a rash. Or hives. Or leprosy. It's disgusting and kind of itchy.
Could it be allergies? Technically, I'm allergic to my 3 cats, 2 of which have recently taken to sleeping on either side of my pillow every night. But I found out about this allergy 3 years ago and have had cats for 30 years, so why now? Especially considering that I started taking Claritin every morning a few months ago when an ear, nose, and throat specialist informed me that no, I did not have an ear infection but that the raging war inside my ear canal might be my allergies, so take Claritin every day. I thought he was on crack, but voila, no more pain the day after I started it.
So maybe this is why people really do take their doctors up on this monthly allergy shot bullshit. Maybe Claritin just doesn't cut it. That or get rid of their cats. Get rid of their cats! What?!
But my friend who lives in La La land reminded me of the beauty tips of the stars (and their makeup artists): Preparation H.
Yes, you heard it; Preparation H makes the swelling go down. So I'm gonna sit here and figure out how to get a new dermatologist (and possibly allergist), now that I've switched jobs and my old fellas are apparently not on my insurance plan. But in the meantime, just call me assface. This shit (no pun intended) smells terrible -- but it does kind of reduce the swelling of the facial hemorrhoids. Keep some on hand! But please -- never mix, never worry (or if you do, please don't tell me about it; you might end up with pink eye).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Stress makes skin do crazy things. I've had BOILS. Like from the Bible. But then, living with a heroin addict also fills your life with Staphylococcus, so it's hard to say what's at the root of the problem.
Yeah. Boils.
i had a roommate once who use Prep H for her bags under her eyes. She was a "model". She would strut around the room and always ask- do i look fat or how do i look? Sit in front of a mirror for hours primping herself. Ugh. I am surprised i didn't use the Prep H for the pain in the ass!
does it work for facial dandruff? Nice eh- thats what my dermatologist told me I get(but I swear I'm pretty!). I would have removed his balls but he also injected my face with Restiline- so I also love him. He's lucky.
I like the thought of using it for the pain in the ass too. I got one of those too
Post a Comment