Beautiful isn't it??? Too bad the devil works here!

Yes, this beautiful resort you see here is where my man and I decided to stay for our romantic overnight getaway. He had meetings with clients in the small town where it's located 3 hours from our home and so we thought what the heck, two birds one stone and all that...romance/business, pretty good combination.

It is even more beautiful in real life, and we had a truly fantastic, romantic evening. The aforementioned meetings started at 3:30 on the opposite side of town, so we arranged with the front desk clerk that we would pay an extra fee to keep the room until later in the afternoon rather than checking out in the morning, at which point I scheduled a manicure and facial. It was perfect! He'd go to his meetings across town and I'd spend the rest of the day spa-ing. When he was done, I'd be done and he could drive back and get me for the 3 hour drive home.

Ah, paradise!! We stayed up late and slept late, what with there being no hurry and all. I woke up all giddy with the luxury of the surroundings and the upcoming pampering. We ordered breakfast and ate it in bed, while staring out at the ocean.

Then the phone rang.

This front desk clerk was not nearly as pleasant as the staff we'd encountered to that moment. In a terse tone, she said ' I see a note here that you're authorized for a 1:00 checkout time'. Hmmm.... 'no actually, we have arranged to keep the room longer for an extra fee (which by the way was $100 ~ for 3 extra hours!! ) because I have spa treatments booked (to the tune of another $300) starting at 4 and nowhere to go in the interim', to which she replies, 'yes, I see that here, but you'll have to check out at 1:00, I re-sold your room this morning'. !!!!!!??????What.the.FUCK???? Are you fucking kidding me you stupid bitch? That's what I was thinking. What I said was, 'oh, ok so I guess we're evicted then. nice'. We then had to rush out of bed to get organized for our new ONE O' CLOCK check out time. A whole day ruined. Just. Like. That. I thought to myself, clearly the resort is SO BUSY that MINE was the only room available this morning. Turns out NO. There were 2 cars besides ours in the lot and the resort was not even close to full. Could it be that my request was inappropriate? I must have done something wrong right? NOPE, I confirmed it with her manager, this fucking slushkunt devil bitch from hell decided to evict us for no good reason. None. Zero. Fuckingassrimming gash RUINED my day for no reason!

I'm no expert on resort management, but this does not seem the appropriate way to treat guests. I say we get her fired!

Have a GOOD ONE??

I am getting fed up with people telling me to 'have a good one'. What good one am I supposed to have? Do you mean a good day, a good guy, a good lunch, a good orgasm? WHAT?? I have missed something. Clearly I'm in the dark. Please turn on the light.

What the fuck ever happened to 'have a nice day', 'enjoy your lunch', 'thank you for your patronage'...? Why do they all keep telling me to have a GOOD ONE?

I may snap next time I hear it.

The Following Post Will be Recorded...

FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE PURPOSES. Am I right? Or, am I right?

Oh, I don't know... when I hear that statement, upon phoning an establishment, I think "Good, keep the little fucker that's talking to me from being a bitch, or an asshole, and make sure they actually deliver me decent customer service," don't you? Isn't that why the recording says that your call may be recorded for QUALITY ASSURANCE.

So, why is it that the establishment to which I am employed with, to, or for seems to be the only company that doesn't use it for quality assurance, even though that's what their recording says. Instead, they use it for my benefit. Oh, fuck... that's mighty fuckin sweat of you.

Even though their out going message says this call may be recorded... they tell me that what they really want to use it for is training purposes. That I will just sit in a room and listen to it myself. They say that the recorded calls will not be used for disciplinary measures. What? Why the fuck not? And, who the fuck do you think you're kidding?

Don't fucking lie to me- so blatantly. This bullshit you keep serving up is getting dry. And, if you think shit is hard to swallow, imagine dry shit.

Why you gotta be like that? All up in my face with your kindergarten coddling, telling me shit to attempt to distract my attention from what your really doing, monitoring calls.

Well folks, guess what? The GIG IS UP.

Tell ya what though, I'm a deal makin kinda girl. Your secret is safe with me because..., mister/misses boss fucker? You've got some bitches that you need to get off the phone. Don't give me this sugar sweet bullshit.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS. FOR FUCK SAKES ALREADY. Your pathetic.

.... gotta get me a job at goggle. Those sons-a-bitches know how to do it right!

Death Proof is my new favourite movie!

My fellow CF's if you have not yet seen this movie...you must!

And holy fuck if Kurt Russel isn't a hot senior. OMYGOD!

I have to say Zoe is my favourite new chick. I want her to be an honorary Cuntface.

girl power

warning: unappetizing weekend dinner/brunch chit-chat ahead:

What is it about the ladies' room at the main branch of the Brooklyn Public Library that makes it consistently quite possibly the worst-smelling ladies' room I've ever visited?

Is it just that right combination of dirty diapers and incontinent toddlers and visits by people who lost their sense of smell (and memory of when they last changed their underwear) decades and decades ago?

I mean, we all know what poo smells like, and we all know what a bathroom not cleaned in recent memory smells like (you know, that sort of bachelor's urinal smell) -- but this is its own thing altogether, and I have to hold my breath the whole time I'm in there to keep from losing my lunch (and thus adding to the aroma).

Porn Balls and Bumginas

A little word to the gentleman in the audience tonight; the backdoor is not the new front door and porn balls are not an every day menu item .

What? you say. Back door is not the new front door? But...


Now, I know that all those porn stars out there are just screaming, "put it in my ass..." but, lets think about this. Do you really think Lassie was out running around saving little Jimmy when the cameras weren't on?

No! It's pretend. She doesn't really want you all up in her exit only all the time, maybe sometimes- but not everyfuckingday, okay?

The first step to changing a problem is to admit you have one. Now, if you could all just take a moment, think about it... how many times has she urged you to the front? Her mary, not her joseph? A few isn't it? It's okay, you can admit it. But, you just cowboy'd your way to the back, right? Yeah, some boys are funny that way....


It has become a wee bit o' an epidemic, and we just can't continue hiding from the issue. I know your girls been trying to tell you, but you just aren't hearing it.

Now, about those porn balls ( manscaping, thank you JW). We like the porn balls, we like that you have taken hygienic measures and upgraded your hairy bag to some lovely porn balls. However, please note, even though it sounds like corn balls- we don't want to be eat'n that shit all the time. I for one, don't want to be wearing your porn ball bow tie every night. Pretty? yes. Absolute sustenance? No.

We think it's pretty cute that your all proud of your porn balls, showin' them off every chance you get. We also secretly hope that you get a really nasty ingrown hair, so you can appreciate the shit we've had to put up with.

In closing, porn balls and bumgina's are good things. I n m o d e r a t i o n. Okay sweet cheeks?

Now, you go home and give that wonderful 'box your dick comes in,' or as we like to call it, that cunt of yours something wonderful. This time, knock at the front door. She will be so impressed with your new manners (courtesy of cuntface).


(The views expressed in this post are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views all cuntface members)

Same ole' shit

So what.. what about Magdaline. She/me went underground today. I fell in love with her character and decided to make her mine. All mine. She has become my 50,000 words in a month just for the fuck of it novella. I really have no illusions that it will ever go to print but the catharsis could be.... oh shit who cares. It will keep me amused for awhile anyway.

So for the next month or so I'm going to write the great American novel under cloak and dagger of private blogger. It will be full of typos and bad spelling . Terrible grammatical errors will be the norm. Far to embarrassing for anyone to see. It will be along the lines of the million little sprinkles guy where fact and fiction stir up into an over baked cake.

Might want to pull her from open cuntface. If She does return she probably won't be appropriate for any junky in remission to read. Only voyeurs of the bazaar, or dope fiends looking at how not to do it.

So that's that. I find nothing interesting to write regarding my relationship with my man. So I will use my time to try and make sense of why a nice little girl grew up to be a sleazy dope fiend and eventually found a way to live without drugs while finding a spiritual connection through animals. Pretty fucking sappy I'd say but better sappy then dead I would guess. Well maybe not but that's not my thesis tonight.